TIN DOG INTRO MUSIC

 

To celebrate the first birthday of the Doctor Who TIN DOG Podcast (and my own birthday on March 4th), I present a short episode of Torchwood for your enjoyment.

And thanks for listening to me ramble on for a year.

 

TIN DOG:

This story is meant with the greatest and fondest respect to the works of Oliver Postgate , Peter Firmin, Russel T Davies and everyone else who has kept the blue light flashing. No breach of copyright is meant in any way. Please enjoy this special anniversary story to celebrate the Tin Dog Podcasts first Birthday.

I present a one of Audio story with those lovely people from the popular secret organisation “Torchwood?.

 

NARRATOR:

In the bottom left hand comer of Wales, a meeting is taking place around an ikea table.

Lets listen in…

 

IANTO:

“I have been monitoring activity around the hell mouth... er anomaly.. erm... I mean.. Rift and its been surprisingly quiet which means we can re-investigate some of the unsolved Torchwood files.?

 

NARRATOR:

The thin one with the dry whit gets out a file and blows dust off it in the sort of way Eric Morecambe would look at Ernie Wises wallet.

 

GRAMS FX- blow... cough

 

IANTO:

This is one that dates back decades. The winged monsters of Tan-y-gwlch.

 

 

OWEN

“you know the rules we do not investigate anything we can't have sex with... apples and pares – queen mother – gawd bless her.

 

IANTO:

ah but.. Monkey boy... but this is season two and we seem to be moving away from pointless sex scenes so I thought we might look at this.

 

GWEN:

BUT this isn’t happening in Cardiff... and you know the only time we leave Cardiff’s in unseen adventures and spin off novels... oh and Audio Books... as a rule we don't ever set foot outside Cardiff... Couldn't we just send UNIT?

 

NARRATOR

said Gwen

 

IANTO:

This IS an Audio adventure which gives us an unlimited travel budget..

I have rang UNIT and they are apparently busy denying any links with the United Nations then they are all booked up recording a spin off story for Big Finish... which only leaves only US... Jack do you want to do the voice over?

 

JACK:

Torchwood. Outside the Government, Beyond the police, Of Junction 21 next door to Comet electrical.

 

IANTO:

Quickly... to the Torchwood Mobile... and on to North Wales.

GRAMS MUSIC: Ivor the engine Music.

 

NARRATOR:

Oh hello ivor..

 

IVOR:

Ba Baaaa!

 

NARRATOR:

Having a busy day

 

IVOR:

Ba Baaaa!

 

NARRATOR:

What are you upto today? Taking coal to grumby town? New shoes for a new hat for Mrs Dinwiddy? Saving sheep from the snow?

 

IVOR:

Ba Baaaa!

 

NARRATOR:

Oh I see... You're off to see your friends Idris and Blodwin the dragons.

 

NARRATOR:

Oh look Ivor... you have visitors...

 

IVOR:

bo bo bbbooooo...

 

NARRATOR:

No there not the English coming to stay in their cottage for one week of the year and drive up house prices... its those pesky Torchwood lot... yes Ivor the famous secret organisation.

 

IVOR:

ba ba

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Oh hello Mister Harkness. Can I ask you a question

 

NARATOR:

asked the hither too silent Jones the Steam

 

JACK:

Sure

 

JONES THE STEAM:

How come you get to walk the streets with a Webly Mark Four on your hip and no one bats an eyelid. This is the Wales after all you know not down town LA or something.

 

 

JACK:

It helps us sell the show to Americans. I mean who would watch a show where the heroes didn’t have a gun and solved things using their intellect and cunning...

 

GRAMS: FX Few bars of Doctor Who music

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Oh I guess you have a point. I just assumed you were over compensating for something.

How can I help you today?

 

GWEN:

Flying Lizards

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Ah you mean the Dragons...

 

IVOR:

Booo Baa Baaa..

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Quite right Ivor...

I mean you mean the non-excitant Dragons on the extinct volcano.

 

IVOR:

Booo Baa Baaa..

 

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Oh you and your fast talking city ways. I obviously mean the non-existent dragons that defiantly don’t live anywhere round here…because they’re not real...

 

JACK:

How are we doing for time Gwen?

 

GWEN:

Well were past over half way through the episode... so I think were just about to come up with a working hypothesis. So I recon that the Dragons are real and that they are in the extinct volcano... the one over there in fact – Boyo.

 

OWEN:

Jack. I hate to be the one to say this but theres been no homosexualist kissing so far...Apples and pairs

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Oh is that what you think? Me and Di station have been doing little Britain “only gay in the village? jokes all morning... mind you I'm sure you lot do those all the time down there in Cardiff... and not you lot are here its just going to become a joke too far if I bring that up again.

 

DI STATION:

Good point Jones.

 

 

JACK:

Lets go to the mountain.

 

IVOR:

Booo Baa Baaa..

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Ivor says he can give you a lift if you want... I must say thats very good of you Ivor.

 

IVOR:

Booo Baa Baaa..

 

JONES THE STEAM:

ah... so you think the plot is flagging and you want to move things along.

 

JACK

Lets leave the Torchwood Mobile here and head out.

 

GRAMS: Ivor travel music.

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Gwen. I have a question for you. “Why doesnt your hair EVER move? Is it a wig? Come on you can tell me...

Oh. look ivor.. were here.

 

GRAMS : steam fx

 

JACK:

Tosh. You’ve been quiet… Oh you have a sore thought and the narrator doest think he is up to doing your voice, well he is butchering any attempt at mine. Anything on the tricorder… I mean non copyright breaching scaning device?..

GRAMS FX – Bleeping

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Do you think its noticed those dragons?

 

GWEN:

What the red heraldic ones spinning meters above us?

 

JACK:

Gwen? What’s that flashing? is it one of those anomalies from primeval?

 

GWEN:

No it’s a tourists camera.

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Ah so you have found out our little secret. Every so often the dragons come out for the tourists and get their photo taken. The pictures are blurred because they move so fast so there’s not actual risk of anyone believing the pictures are real.  Those dragons saved out town.  You’re not going to take them away from us are you Mister Harness?

 

 

 

JACK

No but it is likely that Owen will try and snog one of them

 

OWEN

I’d resent that remark if I hadn’t seen the rest of the story ark.

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Look Mister Harkness one of them wants to ask you a question.

 

IDRIS THE DRAGON: (as sample)

“do you know land of my fathers?

 

JACK:

No it’s abide with me or nothing

 

GWEN:

You know that still doesn’t solve the real mystery.

 

JACK:

You mean  how Ivor – a steam engine – speak?

 

IANTO:

oh that’s easy.  Ivor was made from a living  metal that came through the rift at the end of the tea time war.

IANTO:

sorry...

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Did i say too much?  I mean he is magic.

 

GWEN:

Ahhh.

 

JONES THE STEAM:

Tell you what…lets all go home for a nice cup of tea.

 

OWEN:

That’s hardly a satisfying end to the narrative. Can’t we blow something up? or lose a loved one through time.

 

JONES THE STEAM:

if you like

 

IANTO:

will that help with the fan base?

 

JONES THE STEAM:

No not really….  Ill just go and  put the kettle on

 

IVOR:

boo baaaa.

 

MUSIC. (Ivor the engine theme as base under the narrators final speech)

 

NARRATOR:

And so we must leave this quiet corner of Wales and journey back to podcast land

thanks for listening to my pointless ramblings over this last year.

 

Be seeing you

 

MUSIC TDP Closing music

NOTE: Some of you have never seen Ivor the Engine and this wont have helped so here is a youtube First Episode for you to enjoy!

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